Jokes From The Jobsite

One star. Not two. One.

I read it three times looking for the part about the work.

Here it is, the whole review, word for word…

First Monday after the clocks go back. I'm on a roof at ten to five and the sky's already going purple.

Customer leans out the window. “You're not quitting already? It's not even five.”

And I told her…

First real cold night of the year. Phone goes off at eleven forty.

“My heat isn't working.”

I ask her how long it's been like that, and she says…

Customer balks at the deposit. Says nobody's ever asked her for money up front before.

“Don't you trust me?”

And I told her…

Homeowner hands the plumber a faucet, still in the box. Proud of himself.

“Got it online,” he says. “Saved a hundred bucks.”

Plumber turns it over, looks at it a second, and says…

Thieves hit three vans on the same street overnight.

Cleaned out the plumber. Cleaned out the electrician.

And then…

Customer calls, hot about the bill.

“Ninety dollars? You were in my house eleven minutes.”

And I told her…

Inspector fails the rough-in. Says the strapping's wrong.

“Your guy approved it Tuesday,” I tell him.

He writes for a second, doesn't look up, and says…

Homeowner tells me the other guy came in four grand cheaper.

I tell her I believe it. I looked at his bid.

She asks me how he does it…

Seven o'clock on a Sunday. “The work you did is leaking.”

“Ma'am, I replaced your water heater. The leak's in the upstairs bathroom.”

“Yes,” she says. “It's water.”

And there it was…

A GC, an architect and a plumber are arguing about whose trade is the oldest.

The architect says, “Ours. Somebody had to design the Garden of Eden.”

The plumber says, “Ours. Somebody had to run the drainage before any of that would grow.”

The GC leans back in his chair and says…

A woman gets three bids on the same job.

First guy says nine hundred. Second guy says seven thousand. Third guy says twenty-seven hundred.

She asks the third guy how three people can look at the same job and be that far apart. He says…

Sent the first-year out to the truck for the board stretcher.

There is no such thing as a board stretcher. That is the entire point of sending him. Every one of us got sent for one, and every one of us went.

Twenty minutes go by. Then forty. Then an hour.

Finally the phone rings. It's him — calling from the supply house across town — and he says…

The inspector pulls up two hours before he's supposed to.

The GC comes jogging across the site going, “Hey — we're not ready, we had you down for three o'clock.”

The inspector doesn't even slow down. He says…

Plumber finishes the job, packs the truck, has the invoice in his hand.

Homeowner goes, “While you're here — could you just take a quick look at the water heater?”

He walks over. Looks at it for about ten seconds. Says…

A man owes you four thousand dollars.

Every week for a month he tells you the check is in the mail. Every week it isn't.

Finally you drive over there. You knock. He opens the door, and he looks genuinely surprised to see you standing on his porch, and he says…

Guy watches you work all afternoon. Nice enough. Asks good questions. Then you hand him the invoice and he studies it like a menu he can't afford.

“Is there a discount if I pay cash?”

And you say sure, there is. He gets happy. Asks how much.

You tell him…

Homeowner comes out mid-afternoon and finds three men standing around one hole.

He's polite about it, but you can see him doing arithmetic. Finally he says, “Not to be rude — but why does it take three of you?”

The oldest one doesn't even look up from the hole. He says…

New kid hangs a cabinet run all morning. Proud of it. Calls the foreman over to look.

Foreman puts a level on it. Watches the bubble sit off to one side like it's thinking about something.

Kid says, “It's close, right?” And the foreman says…

It starts coming down hard around ten. The crew looks at the GC. The GC looks at the sky like he's negotiating with it.

Somebody finally asks, “So are we calling it?”

And the GC says…

Best customer you've got calls up and says she's told her sister all about you, and the sister's going to be calling.

You thank her. Genuinely. Referrals are the whole business.

Then she adds the part that makes your stomach drop. She says…